I'm definitely doing something wrong

Suppose I’ve made a mistake, shown incompetence, or have regrets. In that case, I start or end the day feeling like I will die, mocking and criticizing myself as an idiot.

Instead of speaking kindly to myself, I’ve trained my body and mind to endure pushing and scolding myself. If I ruin a day, I curse myself on the way home, change clothes when I get home, and run more than 15 kilometers. This way, my body gets so exhausted that I don’t have the energy to criticize myself, and I can protect myself.

I wanted to change my habit of harshly criticizing myself because I felt I was being too hard on myself, but it hasn’t been easy for a long time. I’ve even given up trying to quit it.

I hear much from YouTube or podcasts about speaking kindly and encouraging yourself. It’s probably better to do so, and I ponder why my personality is like this. Why can’t I say nice things to myself? Hurry up, encourage yourself, and pamper yourself! I see myself criticizing myself for not doing so, so I just gave up on everything.

“I definitely have something I’m doing wrong, so I shouldn’t act like I know everything,” I think. This might be what they call low ego. Sometimes, when I meet friends, acquaintances, or strangers, I see them subtly bragging about themselves or proudly showing off their achievements. I find it fascinating and desirable. I don’t have much to be proud of myself.

Even in the rare coffee chats, I become excessively timid when I have to talk about my achievements. I have no intention of mentoring because I wonder what anyone can learn from someone like me who could be doing better.

Self-loathing has reinforced my body and mind in quite a negative way. I endure it quite well. I have stopped criticizing myself for criticizing myself. I’ve accepted much of my true nature. Some parts of a person’s personality cannot be changed and must be accepted and lived with.

There are a few clear good points. I’m forced to be humble. But honestly, I have nothing to boast about. At any moment, in any place, I need to do something better. Even if it’s as trivial as being too tired and lazy to clean the house today.

I don’t expect compliments. Some people in the world don’t receive compliments well, but there are also people like me who can’t believe them. At any moment, in any place, I need to do something better. There’s nothing to compliment.

Except for extreme situations like floundering in a failing company, there have been almost no moments in my social life where I needed someone’s encouragement. I don’t expect it. In most moments, I have been psychologically self-sufficient. Comparing the past me, who couldn’t be tolerated, with the slightly improved me of today is much more motivating than compliments.

So, I’m not good at encouraging others either. I wish I could be someone who can energize those around me, and I sometimes act more lively with exaggerated reactions in the workplace and in life.

Even as I write this, I’m criticizing myself, thinking that I’m writing this nonsense on my blog to boast that my self-loathing personality is cool and doesn’t interfere with my life.